“The other alarm drowned out my alarm.”

November 16, 2017
Notable Stats
Defensive Excuse Response Time (DERT) – The time it takes for someone to come up with a theory couched in a fact, while obscuring an excuse. Measured in micro-fake seconds.
Double Bluff Blame Radius (DBBR)  – When the simple answer will do, like “I overslept,” the range of other excuses put in its place. Measured in height of snow.

“I will taste garbage, not food.”

September 12, 2017
Notable Stats
Toxins per second (TPS) – The rate by which a child is absorbing toxic elements from putting something nasty in his or her mouth.

“Stink has no limit.”

August 1, 2017
Notable Stats
Migratory Stank Range (MSR) – The area effected by the reach of the scent of an old sock. Measured in burnt nose hairs per nostril.
Teleportation Olfactory Offense Time (TOOT) – The time it takes for a sock that you saw in one place to be found in another place. Often useful in extra-terrestrial studies.

“I am not really good at cleaning up water.”

May 7, 2017
Notable Stats
Fake Jobs Per Hour (FJPH) – The velocity by which your child invents a new skill or explains that he or she cannot do a job because it is outside his or her skill set

“I curse you, DVR!”

April 3, 2016
Notable Stats
Impatience Acceleration Rate (IAR) – The increase in shock and awe as a function of time that a child may actually have to wait until the top of the hour for their show to start. Measured in sighs per minute.

“It’s not fair to boys.”

March 8, 2016
Notable Stats
Misdirected Outrage Arc (MOA) – The range of outrage spread on a cause that has no bearing whatsoever to what is relevant to a parent. Measured in imaginary friends.

“I have broken some sort of world record.”

February 26, 2016
Notable Stats
Useless Competitive Scorekeeping Magnitude (UCSM) – When your child keeps score for something that has no bearing other than the time wasted by counting for no reason whatsoever.

“I can’t find it (when I don’t even try to look).”

October 26, 2015
Notable Stats
Object Recovery Osmosis (ORO) – The science behind the thinking of a child when they expect the object they are looking for to magically appear in their hands when they have not taken a single step towards that effort. 


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