Blogs

October 16, 2013

Notable Stats

Practice Repetitions per Hour (PRH) – The amount of times a child will do the same thing over and over again within 60 minutes whether or not you are telling them not to do so. Infinity is a possible number.

Eyes Glossed Over Thickness (EGOT) – The layer of film that coats a child’s eyes as they tune out the world (and what you are saying) and open the cabinet door for the 3000th time.

October 10, 2013

Notable Stats

Over the Top Frequency (OTTF) – The ratio between times your child does something necessary to get a task done versus the times they add the extra sauce to the task to make it more interesting. A one to one ratio means you need a glass of red wine after you read this entry.

Counters per Request (CPR) – A fraction measuring how often your suggestion to your child is countered with his better idea.

October 2, 2013

Notable Stats

False Knowledge Ratio (FKR) – The percentage of information a child has that they are enacting in the world as a function of what is actually factual information.

Times True (TT) – The number of times a child has to say something to be wholly convinced that it is unequivocally the truth.

September 25, 2013

Notable Stats

Art Regurgitation Concentration (ARC) – The amount of time you spend picking up “art” from your living space in a given day measured in square feet, divided by the square feet of your space. Anything over 10% is a problem.

Paper Recycling Balance Point (PRBP) – The ironic see-saw battle between having good recycling practices and the fact that your child who lectures you about it, creates a ridiculous amount of paper to recycle from his artistic prowess.

September 18, 2013

Notable Stats

Tidbits per Schoolday Quotient (TSDQ) – The number of activities your child tells you they did in school divided by the number of activities they actually did.

School Silence Horizon (SSH) – The amount of time it takes from the time you pick up your child from school to the first time they tell you anything about school.

September 9, 2013

Notable Stats

July 16, 2013

Notable Stats

Edible Body Parts (EBP) – The number of body parts a parent has for the soothing and entertainment of an infant (does not have to be an infant).

Gnaw Rate (GR) – The speed by which a gnawing child moves until he or she hits bone.

June 14, 2013

Notable Stats

Rock Hour (RH) – The conversion between 60 minutes in an hour to a real-time hour when there are rocks to be picked up by your children. Depending on the number of rocks, a rock hour is usually 2.5 hours.

Foot Laceration Rate (FLR) – The number of cuts a parent will suffer on their foot per time told to not bring rocks into the house.

I don’t quite get the fascination, but kids love rocks. They adore them. They want to collect them, bring them home, and put them in a high chair.

June 3, 2013

Notable Stats

Screeches per Hunger-Minute (SHM) – The deafening number of screeches of protest as it moves with minutes of hunger in waiting. 

Tantrum Zone Filibuster (TZF) - The physical area a toddler can roll in while protesting a dining option. This is measured in square feet or in rolling distance.

My wife is an attorney and apparently, so is our one and half year old. Only problem is our toddler specializes in an area of law that, for the good of civilization, does not exist.