Time of Revolt (TOR) – The duration of a child’s protest as a function of the surface they are protesting on. Bonus points for a bed of nails, hot asphalt, and mud.
Defiant Decibel Level (DDL) – The volume by which “No!” is yelled by a child under 18 months old.
Slowdown Rate (SR) – The speed of deceleration caused by your child’s slow eating. It is measured in missed or late appointments per week.
Digestion Protest Factor (DPF) – The circular trap a parent enters when your child is both tired and hungry and instead of food, tired just feeds hungry and vice versa. Measured in your hair loss.
Brains per body (BPB) – The maximum number of brains your child claims to have at any one given time.
Exoneration Quotient (EQ) – The speed by which your child passes blame to an extra brain.
Our children have multiple brains. They have emphatically explained their actions by expressing with a straight face that “their brain did it.” No, they didn’t do it, the dog didn’t do it, their brain actually ate their homework. By osmosis, I guess.
Ignored Micro-Minute (IMM) – The time it takes for you to realize that the basket full of toys you put in the kitchen to keep your one-year old occupied is totally useless. She prefers outlets.
Empty Box Swap Rate (EBSR) – The rate by which real toys lose their luster for the boxes they came in.
Ping Pong Vector (PPV) – A measure of how many times your child changes direction when they were supposed to go straight.
Itchy Ants Pants Factor (IAPF) – The time it takes for your child to get out of his or her chair after he or she just sat in it. (measured in micro-seconds)
Pre-school Wait Time (PWT) – The multiplier used when converting actual wait time into time that a preschooler thinks he or she is waiting. One minute of real wait time equals 62.25 years in pre-school time.
Behavior Degradation Rate (BDR) – The accelerating rate by which well-behaved children will decline until they can only be picked up by a mop.
“Wait? It is your funeral?” I wanted to ask the host at the Cheesecake Factory.
Cooing Ball of Destruction (CBD) – The velocity a one-year-old reaches while lumbering in a random direction as she pulls everything down in the process. Measured in broken objects per square foot.
Gentle Expectation Factor (GEF) – The expectation of softness by an unknowing person that picks up a one year old, only to have a shard of hair ripped from their head.
Oblivious Run Direction (ORD) – The compass needle direction in which your child is running as it relates to which way they are actually looking.
Spatial Calibration Sense (SCS) – An inherent feel your child has for where he or she is relative to his or her peers or objects. Measured in goosebumps per square inch.
Funky Body Nastiness Rate (FBNR) – The rate by which your personal hygiene declines as it relates to the number of children in your house.
Child Clean Relativity Factor (CCRF) – The amount by which your child is more well-kempt than you. Measured in showers you take per week divided by the number of times your child brushes his or her teeth times two.