It was an honor, during the off-season, to have been interviewed for a job as a big-league manager of the Tampa Bay Rays. I wasn’t chosen to run their show, so I elected to develop my managerial chops another way. And while I won’t have the luxury of having the Rays’ star third baseman, Evan Longoria, in my lineup, who knows? I may have the future Evan Longoria.
Rate of Re-do (RRD) – The percentage time you have to do over the cleaning efforts of your children. The grading systems is as follows : 75% = A, 80% = B, 85% = C, 90% = D, above 90% = F. National average is 96%.
Circular Waste Time (CWT) – The amount of time your children spent cleaning when actually the dirt was just getting moved from one place to another. Measured in gray hairs.
Impossible Injury Metric (IIM) – The ranking of how rare an injury is as a function of World Population. 1 in a billion is too small for these kinds of rarities.
Self-Cannibalization Rate (SCR) – The frequency by which your child accidentally, or not, takes a bite out of his own body. If this rate is more than one, he has most likely grown back his hand after thinking it was a Subway sandwich.
First Name Multiplier (FNM) – The average number of times you call your child’s name until they respond.
Birth Certificate Curse Rate (BCCR) – The frequency by which you yell at yourself as to why you named your kid the name you gave them, after realizing you should have given them a name that had only one letter.
Fast-Twitch, Slow-Brain Conflict Ratio (FTSBCR) – Yes, you may be excited that your child excels at slithering around the monkey bars or in their domination of the youth soccer league, but they also may think they can stand on top of the blender to squeeze into the stove vent.
Breakability Index (BI) – The relationship between athleticism and destroyed objects children test their athleticism on. Measured in shards of glass.