"But, Dad, I don't know my actual name."

February 13, 2015
Notable Stats
First Name Multiplier (FNM) – The average number of times you call your child’s name until they respond. 
Birth Certificate Curse Rate (BCCR) – The frequency by which you yell at yourself as to why you named your kid the name you gave them, after realizing you should have given them a name that had only one letter.

Sure, I was part of the naming process for all of my kids. Our son’s name was our effort to try to find something cool, monosyllabic, and memorable. And according to my Mom, a name whose prerequisite was that you will be comfortable saying it all day every day for weeks at a time of your life. I didn’t know what she was talking about.
But now, I do.
Our son does not seem to know his name or, he thinks his name is supposed to be repeated three times in succession. As parents, we assume too much. We must keep in mind that when your child enters the world, they do not know anything you are saying. They hear gibberish, maybe tone, but at birth, they do not make out “Robert Xavier Toast.” 
OK, fine, I am not speaking from any level of expertise, but it takes some time for your child to know his name, however, I am confident that time is not six years as it appears to be with our son.
At various times, we threaten our son with a hearing test. Not sure what that would accomplish, we threaten it anyway. I suppose he may believe a hearing test involves eight straight days of baths, which is the sign of the apocalypse to most kids, which I hope therefore makes a hearing test be a source of an effective threat, but I digress. 
He can hear, that was made clear a long time ago, but selectively. In one episode at school, the teacher kept calling him during clean up time and he pretended not to hear. Once we immediately explained to him that ignoring his teacher at any time is not an option, he decided to take a 20 minute bathroom break that conveniently occurred during clean up time. Needless to say, we shot that down. Well, at least he admitted to it. 
Of course, I now am traveling to Colorado Springs, Colorado. If I whisper my son’s name (at near inaudible levels) at the airport and say that I want to buy him a Lego Ninjago set right now, he would not only hear it, he would remind me every 42 seconds until I delivered on my promise. What is my point? I say this based on the other limiting factor that my son is in school at the time I whisper….. Some 2500 miles away. 
Not only does he have bat-like hearing when he wants to hear, he also has the ability to recall events that happened in his life when he was in the womb. His memory is extra-ordinary unless you remind him to pick up his dirty laundry. Then he will forget before the words leave your mouth.
We all have some degree of selective memory, I understand that. Maybe we want to remember the good or the happy, maybe we just don't want to forget someone special in our past. 
Or maybe, just maybe, you just don't think it is your job. And since my son is not allowed to work yet, his job is the job we give him, until further notice….or he is 18. Then I will hire him. 
- Doug Glanville


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