Sheet-Hog Diameter (SHD) – The area taken up by your child when he or she is in your bed. If they are about 3 feet tall, they will manage to take up the area of a California King Bed by themselves.
Child Regeneration Factor (CRF) – The rate by which children are growing in your bed after you remove one. If the number is unusually high, your children may be considered bacteria and the EPA will force you to pick up a HAZMAT suit at your next stop at Target.
Haterade per Hour (HpH) – The amount of times jealousy lines the intent of a comment from one child to another. Measured in imaginary pictures of tongues sticking out.
One-up One-down Rate (1U1D) – The effort of one child to make himself look cooler as they diminish the value of the other’s efforts. The child with the higher rate is given the Haterade Crown of the Day.
Waking Hour Ratio (WHR) – The ratio between the time you are awake when your kids are awake versus the time you are asleep when your kids are awake. That is correct, unless your kids are 10 or up, this is zero.
Zombie Nights per Month (ZNM) – The number of nights per month your sleep is interrupted. Reasons could range from your child nearly drowning in their own pee (while staying asleep) to a stuffed Tweety Bird having the power to turn into his evil twin at night….I curse you, Tweety Bird.
Fear Weighted Average (FWA) – The ratio between the degree of fear of something possible to something impossible. A low number means your child may actually be a hamster.
Morph Shock Value (MSV) – The time that it takes for something completely innocuous to turn into a vicious and deadly poisonous gigantic spider. Measured in hours of sleep lost by the child’s caretakers.