The Daddy Games

Lessons and tidbits of wisdom gained from the sport of parenting and the game of fatherhood.  Contact me via Twitter @TheDaddyGames with your comments and stories related to my blog posts. 

“Dinner is not what it used to be.”

October 14, 2014
 
Notable Stats
 
Interruption Palpitation Expectation Rate (IPER) – The increase in your heart rate with each moment you try and take a bite of your food while your children find things to disrupt the peace you seek at the dinner table. The light-headedness you feel is probably starvation.
 
Request Ad Nauseum Constant (RANC) – The amount of times a child asks for something, after you have already given them everything they need to eat their food.
 

“Just follow the stank.”

Otober 8, 2014
 
Notable Stats
 
Dirty Socks per Crumb Mile (DSPCM) – The number of dirty laundry items between the bathroom and the theoretical laundry basket. This number can be infinity once your child forgets he even has a laundry basket (which can be daily). 
 

“Where I am going is irrelevant.”

August 27, 2014
 
Notable Stats
 
Blind Distance Recognition (BDR) – The area by which a child realizes that if they leave it, they will be too far from their parents. For 95% of boys, age 5 -7, this number starts at infinity.
 
False Leadership Compass Attraction Rate (FLCAR) – A measure of magnetism of a child to appear to know where they are going as a function of how directionless they actually are. 
 

“Everything is a comb”

August 20, 2014
 
Notable Stats
 
Knots per Twist (KPT) – The amount of knots in her hair that is created by a her “comfort-move” of twirling her curls. Measured in clumps sawed off per day. 
 
Untangle Impossibility Rate (UIR) – The tipping point when the repair on a child’s hair is to find a nearby pair of scissors. Multiple this rate by ten if you find that a blowtorch is required.
 

“Your bed is my space.”

March 31, 2014

Notable Stats

Sheet-Hog Diameter (SHD) – The area taken up by your child when he or she is in your bed. If they are about 3 feet tall, they will manage to take up the area of a California King Bed by themselves.

Child Regeneration Factor (CRF) – The rate by which children are growing in your bed after you remove one. If the number is unusually high, your children may be considered bacteria and the EPA will force you to pick up a HAZMAT suit at your next stop at Target.

“How did bedtime routine become morning routine? What time is it?”

March 14, 2014

Notable Stats

Stall Tactics per Fortnight (STF) – The bag of tricks children dip into when they are trying to avoid bed.  Coughing, Closet Monsters, Itchy Skin, Parched Throat, Malaria are examples.

Delirium Rapidity Increase (DRI) – The exponential speed by which a child is losing all coherent ability as a function of time. The peak value is measured when your child falls asleep while running.
 

"Where's the tape?"

March 6, 2014

Notable Stats

Scotch Tape Depletion Rate (STDR) – The number of containers of Scotch Tape you go through during non-holiday and non-birthday times of the year.

Unnecessary Office Supply Usage (UOSU) – A running count of how many times your kids use office supplies for repairs of items that they end up giving to the dog or making into back-up underwear.

“Those stories are just pretend! (Mine are real!)”

February 14, 2014

Notable Stats

Haterade per Hour (HpH) – The amount of times jealousy lines the intent of a comment from one child to another. Measured in imaginary pictures of tongues sticking out.

One-up One-down Rate (1U1D) – The effort of one child to make himself look cooler as they diminish the value of the other’s efforts. The child with the higher rate is given the Haterade Crown of the Day.
 

“I have just realized, our dogs would make great parents.”

February 1, 2014

Notable Stats

Waking Hour Ratio (WHR) – The ratio between the time you are awake when your kids are awake versus the time you are asleep when your kids are awake. That is correct, unless your kids are 10 or up, this is zero.

Zombie Nights per Month (ZNM) – The number of nights per month your sleep is interrupted. Reasons could range from your child nearly drowning in their own pee (while staying asleep) to a stuffed Tweety Bird having the power to turn into his evil twin at night….I curse you, Tweety Bird.

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