It was an honor, during the off-season, to have been interviewed for a job as a big-league manager of the Tampa Bay Rays. I wasn’t chosen to run their show, so I elected to develop my managerial chops another way. And while I won’t have the luxury of having the Rays’ star third baseman, Evan Longoria, in my lineup, who knows? I may have the future Evan Longoria.
Rate of Re-do (RRD) – The percentage time you have to do over the cleaning efforts of your children. The grading systems is as follows : 75% = A, 80% = B, 85% = C, 90% = D, above 90% = F. National average is 96%.
Circular Waste Time (CWT) – The amount of time your children spent cleaning when actually the dirt was just getting moved from one place to another. Measured in gray hairs.
Impossible Injury Metric (IIM) – The ranking of how rare an injury is as a function of World Population. 1 in a billion is too small for these kinds of rarities.
Self-Cannibalization Rate (SCR) – The frequency by which your child accidentally, or not, takes a bite out of his own body. If this rate is more than one, he has most likely grown back his hand after thinking it was a Subway sandwich.
First Name Multiplier (FNM) – The average number of times you call your child’s name until they respond.
Birth Certificate Curse Rate (BCCR) – The frequency by which you yell at yourself as to why you named your kid the name you gave them, after realizing you should have given them a name that had only one letter.