The Daddy Games

May 15, 2013

Notable Stats

Screeches Per Hour (SPP) – The number of times your toddler screams in frustration with the physical sciences.

Happy Go Lucky Vector (HGLV) – The direction your toddler goes when he or she wants to challenge reality, like lightning or avalanches.

May 7, 2013

Notable Stats

Slowdown Rate (SR) – The speed of deceleration caused by your child’s slow eating. It is measured in missed or late appointments per week.

Digestion Protest Factor (DPF) – The circular trap a parent enters when your child is both tired and hungry and instead of food, tired just feeds hungry and vice versa. Measured in your hair loss.

April 24, 2013

Notable Stats 

Brains per body (BPB)  – The maximum number of brains your child claims to have at any one given time.

Exoneration Quotient (EQ) – The speed by which your child passes blame to an extra brain.

Our children have multiple brains. They have emphatically explained their actions by expressing with a straight face that “their brain did it.” No, they didn’t do it, the dog didn’t do it, their brain actually ate their homework.  By osmosis, I guess.

March 14, 2013

Notable Stats

Ignored Micro-Minute  (IMM) – The time it takes for you to realize that the basket full of toys you put in the kitchen to keep your one-year old occupied is totally useless. She prefers outlets.

Empty Box Swap Rate (EBSR) – The rate by which real toys lose their luster for the boxes they came in.

February 8, 2013

Notable Stats

Ping Pong Vector (PPV) – A measure of how many times your child changes direction when they were supposed to go straight.

Itchy Ants Pants Factor (IAPF) – The time it takes for your child to get out of his or her chair after he or she just sat in it. (measured in micro-seconds)

January 21, 2013

Notable Stats

Pre-school Wait Time (PWT) – The multiplier used when converting actual wait time into time that a preschooler thinks he or she is waiting. One minute of real wait time equals 62.25 years in pre-school time.

Behavior Degradation Rate (BDR) – The accelerating rate by which well-behaved children will decline until they can only be picked up by a mop.

“Wait? It is your funeral?” I wanted to ask the host at the Cheesecake Factory.

January 9, 2013

Notable Stats

Cooing Ball of Destruction (CBD) – The velocity a one-year-old reaches while lumbering in a random direction as she pulls everything down in the process.  Measured in broken objects per square foot.

Gentle Expectation Factor (GEF) – The expectation of softness by an unknowing person that picks up a one year old, only to have a shard of hair ripped from their head.

January 2, 2013

Notable Stats

Oblivious Run Direction (ORD) – The compass needle direction in which your child is running as it relates to which way they are actually looking.

Spatial Calibration Sense (SCS) – An inherent feel your child has for where he or she is relative to his or her peers or objects. Measured in goosebumps per square inch.

December 26, 2012

Notable Stats

Funky Body Nastiness Rate (FBNR) – The rate by which your personal hygiene declines as it relates to the number of children in your house.

Child Clean Relativity Factor (CCRF) – The amount by which your child is more well-kempt than you. Measured in showers you take per week divided by the number of times your child brushes his or her teeth times two.

December 12, 2012

Notable Stats

Reaction Time Degradation Rate (RTDR) – The decline in reaction time parents experience with each additional child. The third child is basically, on their own.

Mob Mentality Factor (MMF) – The multiplier that considers what happens when two or more pre-schoolers gang up on you.