Rate of Re-do (RRD) – The percentage time you have to do over the cleaning efforts of your children. The grading systems is as follows : 75% = A, 80% = B, 85% = C, 90% = D, above 90% = F. National average is 96%.
Circular Waste Time (CWT) – The amount of time your children spent cleaning when actually the dirt was just getting moved from one place to another. Measured in gray hairs.
Impossible Injury Metric (IIM) – The ranking of how rare an injury is as a function of World Population. 1 in a billion is too small for these kinds of rarities.
Self-Cannibalization Rate (SCR) – The frequency by which your child accidentally, or not, takes a bite out of his own body. If this rate is more than one, he has most likely grown back his hand after thinking it was a Subway sandwich.
First Name Multiplier (FNM) – The average number of times you call your child’s name until they respond.
Birth Certificate Curse Rate (BCCR) – The frequency by which you yell at yourself as to why you named your kid the name you gave them, after realizing you should have given them a name that had only one letter.
Fast-Twitch, Slow-Brain Conflict Ratio (FTSBCR) – Yes, you may be excited that your child excels at slithering around the monkey bars or in their domination of the youth soccer league, but they also may think they can stand on top of the blender to squeeze into the stove vent.
Breakability Index (BI) – The relationship between athleticism and destroyed objects children test their athleticism on. Measured in shards of glass.
Interruption Palpitation Expectation Rate (IPER) – The increase in your heart rate with each moment you try and take a bite of your food while your children find things to disrupt the peace you seek at the dinner table. The light-headedness you feel is probably starvation.
Request Ad Nauseum Constant (RANC) – The amount of times a child asks for something, after you have already given them everything they need to eat their food.
Dirty Socks per Crumb Mile (DSPCM) – The number of dirty laundry items between the bathroom and the theoretical laundry basket. This number can be infinity once your child forgets he even has a laundry basket (which can be daily).