Object Recovery Osmosis – The science behind the thinking of a child when they expect the object they are looking for to magically appear in their hands when they have not taken a single step towards that effort.
It was an honor, during the off-season, to have been interviewed for a job as a big-league manager of the Tampa Bay Rays. I wasn’t chosen to run their show, so I elected to develop my managerial chops another way. And while I won’t have the luxury of having the Rays’ star third baseman, Evan Longoria, in my lineup, who knows? I may have the future Evan Longoria.
Rate of Re-do (RRD) – The percentage time you have to do over the cleaning efforts of your children. The grading systems is as follows : 75% = A, 80% = B, 85% = C, 90% = D, above 90% = F. National average is 96%.
Circular Waste Time (CWT) – The amount of time your children spent cleaning when actually the dirt was just getting moved from one place to another. Measured in gray hairs.
Impossible Injury Metric (IIM) – The ranking of how rare an injury is as a function of World Population. 1 in a billion is too small for these kinds of rarities.
Self-Cannibalization Rate (SCR) – The frequency by which your child accidentally, or not, takes a bite out of his own body. If this rate is more than one, he has most likely grown back his hand after thinking it was a Subway sandwich.