Brains per body (BPB) – The maximum number of brains your child claims to have at any one given time.
Exoneration Quotient (EQ) – The speed by which your child passes blame to an extra brain.
Our children have multiple brains. They have emphatically explained their actions by expressing with a straight face that “their brain did it.” No, they didn’t do it, the dog didn’t do it, their brain actually ate their homework. By osmosis, I guess.
Pre-school Wait Time (PWT) – The multiplier used when converting actual wait time into time that a preschooler thinks he or she is waiting. One minute of real wait time equals 62.25 years in pre-school time.
Behavior Degradation Rate (BDR) – The accelerating rate by which well-behaved children will decline until they can only be picked up by a mop.
“Wait? It is your funeral?” I wanted to ask the host at the Cheesecake Factory.
Funky Body Nastiness Rate (FBNR) – The rate by which your personal hygiene declines as it relates to the number of children in your house.
Child Clean Relativity Factor (CCRF) – The amount by which your child is more well-kempt than you. Measured in showers you take per week divided by the number of times your child brushes his or her teeth times two.