The Daddy Games

March 31, 2014

Notable Stats

Sheet-Hog Diameter (SHD) – The area taken up by your child when he or she is in your bed. If they are about 3 feet tall, they will manage to take up the area of a California King Bed by themselves.

Child Regeneration Factor (CRF) – The rate by which children are growing in your bed after you remove one. If the number is unusually high, your children may be considered bacteria and the EPA will force you to pick up a HAZMAT suit at your next stop at Target.

March 14, 2014

Notable Stats

Stall Tactics per Fortnight (STF) – The bag of tricks children dip into when they are trying to avoid bed.  Coughing, Closet Monsters, Itchy Skin, Parched Throat, Malaria are examples.

Delirium Rapidity Increase (DRI) – The exponential speed by which a child is losing all coherent ability as a function of time. The peak value is measured when your child falls asleep while running.
 

March 6, 2014

Notable Stats

Scotch Tape Depletion Rate (STDR) – The number of containers of Scotch Tape you go through during non-holiday and non-birthday times of the year.

Unnecessary Office Supply Usage (UOSU) – A running count of how many times your kids use office supplies for repairs of items that they end up giving to the dog or making into back-up underwear.

February 1, 2014

Notable Stats

Waking Hour Ratio (WHR) – The ratio between the time you are awake when your kids are awake versus the time you are asleep when your kids are awake. That is correct, unless your kids are 10 or up, this is zero.

Zombie Nights per Month (ZNM) – The number of nights per month your sleep is interrupted. Reasons could range from your child nearly drowning in their own pee (while staying asleep) to a stuffed Tweety Bird having the power to turn into his evil twin at night….I curse you, Tweety Bird.

January 24, 2014

Notable Stats

Fear Weighted Average (FWA) – The ratio between the degree of fear of something possible to something impossible. A low number means your child may actually be a hamster.

Morph Shock Value (MSV) – The time that it takes for something completely innocuous to turn into a vicious and deadly poisonous gigantic spider. Measured in hours of sleep lost by the child’s caretakers.

January 15, 2014

Notable Stats

Minutes to Implosion (MTI) – The time it takes while you are futilely trying to get a toy out of its packaging before you look for both a blowtorch and an axe.

Unnecessary Patents per Year (UPY) – The amount of new ways the toy packaging companies can frustrate you based on another fancy new security lock placed on a Doc McStuffins doll.

January 8, 2014
 

Notable Stats

Snow White Spectrum (SWS) – The degree of whiteness of the food your child eats. 1 – Snow White, 2- Off-White, 3 – Tan, 4 – Beige.

Time to Rejection (TTR) – The time it takes for your toddler to reject food that you present to her as soon as she realizes it is not white or off-white in color.

December 20, 2013

Notable Stats

Santa Believability Ratio (SBR) – Your child’s belief in Santa as it holds up to other children trying to shake that faith.

Elf on the Shelf Movement Area (ESMA) – The amount of feet you must move the Elf on the Shelf overnight to combat naughty behavior.

December 18, 2013

Notable Stats

Peace by Stalking Time (PST) – The amount of time it takes for a child to stalk another child into a peaceful accord. This is usually by force.

Peace Table Trips per Day (PTTD) – The amount of times your child is either taking someone to or being taken to the peace table.