“Those darn elves.”

August 25, 2018

Notable Stats

Object Evaporation Index (OEI) – A neutral scaled measure of the rate a lost item becomes invisible. This is measured in lazy search effort per hour.
Elven Conspiracy Radius (ECR) – The range of reach of mysterious elves that steal children’s treasured possessions. This is measured in invisible Elven footprints.

No detectives’ investigation has ever led to locking up an elf. Yet their incompetence apparently explains why my son can not find any of his favorite worldly possessions. Once a week, wayward bands of looting elves take time out of their sweatshop day to bother and steal a sneaker for his left foot.
Their villainy is unprecedented as they not only travel with permanent invisibility, but they time their theft to coincide with when you, the parent, need your child to find this object in order to catch the school bus. These pointy-eared renegades mock you as they pilfer from your child.
For some reason, they only pick on children since basic theft is not nefarious enough. Shockingly, they leave my wife’s wedding ring on the counter, they ignore my wallet when I sleep, heck, they don’t even bother taking the keys off of those “in plain view” hooks to steal our minivan. They seem to target orange baseball socks and Beyblade rip cords. Why?
Of course, they are actually the last to get the blame, so admittedly, I do some of my own detective work before pinning it all on derelict elves. The witness, aka, my son, provides ample evidence to mount against his primary suspects. The pattern is first we pin it on anyone that may have cleaned up in the house, especially if they are only around periodically. Convenient. We are sure to blame someone who is not there to defend themselves, and we must sincerely express that we are absolutely sure of where we left the stolen item last.
Strangely, on a number of occasions, his certainty around where he last left the item has been as far off as humanly possible. So the baseball glove that he was sure was left in his closet was actually six blocks away at friend’s house. The wallet full of quarters that he was 100 percent confident was in his locker, was two towns over at his summer camp. The pair of glasses that he was certain he left in the basement on top of the stairs, was actually between the second and third layer of sheets in the upper bunk of his bed on another floor.
This makes me conclude that the elves are not just stealing for cash and resale, they steal for entertainment value. Clearly recording on their elven phones that you lose your mind searching where you know you left something while they simply move it to another place. Devious. 
I am waiting for the day when my son says that he did not put an item away where it was supposed to go and if he did, no one, including elves with sticky figures, would have moved the item. If he left it in his locker in the first place, it would have been in the locker when he was looking for it. Nope. I have not heard that yet. The elves are a much easier target than his mom or dad moving his baseball bat, that he swore was in his baseball bag in the garage, off of the stairs so that his two-year-old sister does not trip on it and roll down the stairs.
Until he takes that bold step of personal responsibility, I will continue to curse these elves. Looking for ways to round them up even though I cannot see them. A moat? Electric fence? Oatmeal cookies? None of it will work given they are all just scapegoats in the mind of a ten-year-old. 

- Doug Glanville

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