“The Chinese Zodiac made me do it.”

July 27, 2018

Notable Stats

Re-backing Retrofit Excuse Rate (RRER) – The speed by which your child realizes they can pre-empt any of your corrective action by explaining “this is just who I am..” This is one of the few metrics that involves negative time.
Misaligned Reason Zone (MRZ) – The physical area of proximity that when you enter, your child prepares an inappropriate on incongruent explanation for what just happened and why. Measured in square-circles.

As my son gains in age, he also gains in wisdom, or at least the application of expanding knowledge to life itself. Instead of just rattling off Jeopardy answers to everything, he is starting to think and use his thoughts. This is good.
Like connecting the Chinese Zodiac to cleaning his room.
This is not a good application. 
I curse whoever gave our family a book that outlined all the characteristics of the different animals in the Chinese Zodiac. But then again, whatever country is the origin of any personality profiling system, our son would pledge allegiance to whichever nation conveniently gets him out of a situation. 
He has done his research and determined that he is a “monkey.” The characteristics of a monkey are as follows:
“People born in a year of the Monkey are witty, intelligent, and have a magnetic personality. Personality traits, like mischievousness, curiosity, and cleverness, make them very naughty. Monkeys are masters of practical jokes, because they like playing most of the time. Though they don't have any bad intentions, their pranks sometimes hurt the feelings of others. Monkeys are fast learners and crafty opportunists.
They have many interests and need partners who are capable of stimulating them. While some like the eccentric nature of Monkeys, some don't trust their sly, restless, and inquisitive nature. Although they are clever and creative, monkeys can't always exhibit their talent properly. Monkeys like to take challenges and they prefer urban life to rural.”
I would say this is pretty close to his personality, which he explains fits for reasons as follows:
- Why I didn’t clean my room
- Why I didn’t remember to feed the dogs
- Why I should naturally have unbrushed teeth
- Why I am pre-ordained to swim in the bathtub
- Why I am beyond reproach in sleeping in my parent’s bed
- Why I have waived out of listening to warnings
- Why my genetic right is to leave Legos on the floor
- Why dessert is a key to my being emotionally centered
- Why smothering my sisters is fuel to my inner being
- Why using all of the printer paper is necessary to my soul’s sustenance 
- Why taking off my snow boots on a 70 degree day, breaks my spirit
He would go to explain that his monkey-ness needs to be cultivated, accepted, and held up as his true core. A core that cannot change, should not change, and in the event you try and change it, you are committing an act against divinity itself.  If the Zodiac book was nearby (and magically during two sit downs with him, it was) and you happens to be lecturing him on any topic that involves behavioral change, he will just point to the book and declare. “This is who I am, I am a monkey.” 
Somehow, I do not think this was the design of the wisdom of the Han Dynasty (when the signs were not animals anyway). Did the gods and elders say “Hey, let’s honor a chart that gets our children out of all responsibility and duty to the world and family.” Or “hey, let’s honor a divine table that allows are kids to never change, grow, or evolve.” Hmmm. Doubt it. 
Although I did offer to my son that if we are electing ancient China as a guide, then we must go all the way and include it in all facets of home life. I asked him to research it, needless to say, I have not gotten a report.
Of course, I have omitted one key fact that makes this all the more interesting. Our son is born in 2008, which makes him a rat, not a monkey. Got cheese? 
- Doug Glanville


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