“The food police have arrived.”

August 7, 2018

Notable Stats

Edible Oversight Range (EOR) – The area by which our daughter can sense a food violation has occurred. Yes, she can smell and see through walls a block away.
Crinkle Face Quotient (CFQ) – The mathematical relationship between the amount of improper seasoning you put in her food to when our daughter has a look on her face that you clearly have not gone to elite culinary school.

If I have not already established it, our daughter is a foodie. Since birth she has had a fine palette, she is destined to either be a food critic, a wine connoisseur, or if she is neither, drive whoever cooks for her, to perpetual heart palpitations. 
I have combatted her specificity by including her in the cooking, that way, it is her fault too that the oregano, orange rind, and thyme does not blend correctly with the pomegranate puree.
This goes back to trying to give her formula when she was a newborn. If it was not the right temperature, and by right I mean out to the hundredth decimal place, you had to pay. She could not verbalize it, but my translation was “I am not crying, I am crying AT you, and to be more specific, for your incompetence.”
I have also come to understand that food is love in her world. How you feed her indicates your oneness with her. You must anticipate her food-ly desires, know exactly what she wants to eat, how to prepare it, how to cook it, how to present it, how to talk about it. If you fail in any of these steps, you will be ostracized and ultimately banished. 
An unfulfilling snack zone in the house, be it pantry or other, is an act against her birthright. It must be plentiful and targeted to her eight snack eating moods that envelope her during a day. These moods are documented:
- Sad Happiness – Saddiness 
- Euphoric Conflict 
- Belligerent Peace
- Mild Humor
- Jazzy Naptime
- Serious Ease
- Sympathetic Doubt
- Danceable Melancholy
 These have subcategories. 13 in each. Good luck. 
The great positive is that if you hit the sweet spot of her food Kharma, you will be placed into Sainthood. I try every day. 
She will also graciously give you opportunity to correct your actions in a timely fashion after she takes time to calm herself from the injustice of your lack of food sensitivity. She is forgiving, and you know when you are on target when a smile washes over her face upon first bite. The is an indication that she has forgotten all slights from your incompetent cooking past. Whew. 
In time, we must all work with the many statutes swirling around our kitchen when it comes to our daughter. There is an opportunity to let her be a great leader in the culinary arts and the art of presentation around food. She seems to love it. 
And no matter what, as soon as she can cook for herself, and run the kitchen, I welcome it, so I do not worry every day that I may end up on Food Island, castaway with the undercooked vanilla raisin waffles and too spicy lime-forward guacamole. 
- Doug Glanville


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