Blogs

February 1, 2014

Notable Stats

Waking Hour Ratio (WHR) – The ratio between the time you are awake when your kids are awake versus the time you are asleep when your kids are awake. That is correct, unless your kids are 10 or up, this is zero.

Zombie Nights per Month (ZNM) – The number of nights per month your sleep is interrupted. Reasons could range from your child nearly drowning in their own pee (while staying asleep) to a stuffed Tweety Bird having the power to turn into his evil twin at night….I curse you, Tweety Bird.

January 24, 2014

Notable Stats

Fear Weighted Average (FWA) – The ratio between the degree of fear of something possible to something impossible. A low number means your child may actually be a hamster.

Morph Shock Value (MSV) – The time that it takes for something completely innocuous to turn into a vicious and deadly poisonous gigantic spider. Measured in hours of sleep lost by the child’s caretakers.

January 15, 2014

Notable Stats

Minutes to Implosion (MTI) – The time it takes while you are futilely trying to get a toy out of its packaging before you look for both a blowtorch and an axe.

Unnecessary Patents per Year (UPY) – The amount of new ways the toy packaging companies can frustrate you based on another fancy new security lock placed on a Doc McStuffins doll.

January 8, 2014
 

Notable Stats

Snow White Spectrum (SWS) – The degree of whiteness of the food your child eats. 1 – Snow White, 2- Off-White, 3 – Tan, 4 – Beige.

Time to Rejection (TTR) – The time it takes for your toddler to reject food that you present to her as soon as she realizes it is not white or off-white in color.

December 20, 2013

Notable Stats

Santa Believability Ratio (SBR) – Your child’s belief in Santa as it holds up to other children trying to shake that faith.

Elf on the Shelf Movement Area (ESMA) – The amount of feet you must move the Elf on the Shelf overnight to combat naughty behavior.

December 18, 2013

Notable Stats

Peace by Stalking Time (PST) – The amount of time it takes for a child to stalk another child into a peaceful accord. This is usually by force.

Peace Table Trips per Day (PTTD) – The amount of times your child is either taking someone to or being taken to the peace table.

November 20, 2013

Notable Stats

Stains per square inch (SSI) – The amount of dark sauce on an article a clothing your child is wearing relative to the amount of clean space left. A one to one ratio means he or she just jumped into a kiddie pool full of BBQ sauce, fully clothed.

November 13, 2013

Notable Stats

Tears per fortnight (TPF) – The number of tears running down a child's face per week. Measured in parts of a trillion.

Crocodile Sympathy Ratio (CSR) – The percentage of tears that are from pain versus the number that are for show or that fall down the face because the child is not sure how to stop crying.

October 30, 2013

Notable Stats

Negativity Multiplier (NM) – Whenever you present an option to your toddler, the option is weighed by how many times your child will say “no” before you can find something that will make them say “yes.” An average reading is 13.

October 23, 2013

Notable Stats

Mastery Delusional Rate (MDR) – The illusion a small taste of education gives to a child making them believe they are now expert level after one lesson.

Little Knowledge Danger Quotient (LKDQ) – The exponential increase in safety risk caused by your teaching your child how to be safe.