“I have broken some sort of world record.”

 

 

Useless Competitive Scorekeeping Magnitude (UCSM) – When your child keeps score for something that has no bearing other than the time wasted by counting for no reason whatsoever.

 

Pre-Meditated Braggadocio Count (PMBC) – The number of invented games a child creates that no one knows the rules so he or she can win without question.

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My son was celebrating tonight. He was happy which was a good thing. He did not protest having to take a bath, so it was already a good night. Usually he protests the idea of water hitting his body even after enough dirt is caked on him that he cracks when he moves. Then, he protests getting out of the bath, which of course, he does not remember for the next bath he takes.

Nevertheless, tonight he remained in the bath for a long time. I thought about moving him along, but everything was peaceful so I let him shrivel up into a dried apricot while I took care of his sisters.

 

I did notice his hair was wet. I thought about the extra work needed to dry it, but he was probably going to roam around the house for hours after bedtime anyway, so it would dry eventually. I let it go.

 

Then I realized he was pouring small cups of water over his head. Then I realized he was counting. Interesting.

 

He called his sister in to declare that he was going for the Guinness Book of World Records. He was up to 90. 92…97… The suspense was killing me. He was racing to 100. Would I need to call an official to let them know of the new record. Wait, what was this for?

 

It was simply an attempt to break the world record of the number of cups of water someone poured over his head. Yes, my son was striving to be the best “Self-douser” on Planet Earth.

 

My son has a totally unconfirmed world record. 140 times in a row he filled up a small bottle of bath water, full of the dirt and filth from a bath that simmered on his wrinkled body for 30 minutes. At no time, did he actually use the soap or wash cloth, but he did manage to set a world record. But once again, I repeat, it is unconfirmed.

 

Interestingly enough, I would not be shocked if he indeed has the record because I first am trying to imagine who would think this effort would be worth counting, let along counting with the express purpose of being the best on Earth at such a task.

 

Was this a sign of his advanced evolution? He competed at pouring bath water over his own head and not only could he do it, but he could be the best at doing so. He could endure, semi-soapy water pouring down his face and half into his mouth for 20 straight minutes, donned by his own hands. 

 

Or was this a sign of the inevitable eradication of our family gene pool? That instead of cleaning our bodies and using time wisely to study or get rest, we spend that precious time over-washing our scalp with dirty water until we somehow drown ourselves.

 

I am hoping for the former since my son seems to gain some confidence from competing over things for which no one is competing, nor do they even think to compete. 

 

For now, I will chalk it up to some sort of twisted competitive brilliance. The will to persevere on minuscule tasks in order to call yourself the best in the universe. There must be something to gain from watching him achieve this kind of greatness, he is the head pouring champion, until someone reads this blog and realizes that they can surpass it in 5 minutes. Shhh. Let him enjoy his moment.

 

- Doug Glanville