“I am not responsible. I have parental malpractice insurance.”

January 30, 2015

Notable Stats

Reckless Wildness Deductible (RWD) – The deductible paid on a claim that covers accidents caused when your child throws their body around and knocks over vulnerable citizens. The victims range from a 7-month-old just learning how to walk to a 100-year-old who is wobbling in a walker. Measured in times you child spins around like a top per square block.
Exonerability Relief Factor (ERF) – The increase in peace of mind a parent has when they realize they are no longer responsible for their child’s actions. Let the law handle it. Measured in pillows of sleep. 

It is time. Time to identify the source of parental stress. It isn’t the horrible sleep patterns, it isn’t the fact that your children only eat what you do not have in the fridge. No. It is the relentless concern, that your child will hurt themselves, others, or property on your watch, and you will be held fully accountable. Doesn’t seem fair does it?
Well it isn’t!
I propose a new kind of insurance. KidFault Insurance and let them handle all of the stress. 
During Little League practice, did your son “accidentally” swing the bat and knock out all of the teeth of the umpire? 
Did your daughter decide to climb the fire escape at the senior center and jump down and land on 95-year-old Bessie McDonald? 
Did your two-year-old smuggle in a permanent marker and write on the original Declaration of Independence at a museum? 
Did your six-year-old ride his bike into the neighbor’s dog and smash in the front door of their house because he wanted to see what “invisibility feels like?”
Now, it will not cost you a dime (after a small deductible). You walk over to the people who have gotten injured at the hands of your son or daughter, and you hand them a card. No apology from you, no worry since you were not the one who lit their shrubs on fire trying in a wayward attempt to melt an ant with Grandpa’s bifocals. You explain to the injured, “Call my six-year-old son’s lawyer.” Then walk away with your head held high.
But that is not all. Your insurance will also provide the following:
  • 9-1-1 auto call – Once you take the card out to hand to the injured party, you inform them that there is a 9-1-1 button on it so they can call the ambulance if they think the bone sticking out will not go back on its own.
  • Purged school records – No longer will your child be labeled as a bully, thug or “troubled.” Once you purchase this insurance, all of their records for the past 5 years will be erased and replaced by your child’s lawyer’s cell phone number.
  • Babysitter teleportation – Even though you are no longer responsible, that does not replace the ice cream truck’s windshield in the moment, so while you are still annoyed, a babysitter will care for your children for 7 days if you so desire.
  • Property repair – Should anything be damaged, it will be repaired free of charge. There is a surcharge for boats, observatories, and national monuments.
Also you can purchase the DO NOT TOUCH Rider, for when your child blatantly touches an object that is surrounded by signs that say "DO NOT TOUCH." This rider also applies to "DON'T" - i.e. "DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS." (Unfortunately, we only can offer 80% coverage in the event the object was also surrounded by red security lasers)
So parents, it is not your fault. Yes, you may have brought this child into the world, but at a certain age that is well before the falsely marked “18,” the child knows what they are doing. They exploit the fact that they are free of culpability. Let’s not allow that to be your reality. Let them take ownership and foot the bill. Let them deal with the reputation hit and embarrassment. Walk with pride, it was not poor parenting. You are not an octopus and cannot possibly be everywhere at every moment, so don’t even bother trying now that you will not be held liable for the actions of someone who is “unwarnable.”
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ)
Are the parents responsible for paying the premium?
YES. But better than paying for the damaged ear of George Washington on Mount Rushmore.
Will that premium be reimbursed?
YES. Your child’s estate and their first born’s estate will be required to pay you back over your lifetime after they turn 22 years old. Should you die before that, it will pass on to your favorite living pet. This is transferable.
At what age could my child be facing criminal charges now that they are fully responsible?
3 months old
Will having insurance impact their ability to go to college?
Absolutely not! In fact, many colleges are now embracing it. If your child goes to college, you may purchase a college rider at any time while they are undergraduates. Their diploma will be printed in your name as will their first year’s paycheck after graduation.
Is this ethical?
Depends on the word “ethical.” We see it as a service. Parents are not responsible. So tell your infant, and once they come of age, they will understand. If you talk to your child in the womb and read him or her our disclaimer, you get 50% off your premium. (Note *You must record it.)
- Doug Glanville


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