“Everything is a comb”

 

 

Knots per Twist (KPT) – The amount of knots in her hair that is created by a her “comfort-move” of twirling her curls. Measured in clumps sawed off per day. 

 

Untangle Impossibility Rate (UIR) – The tipping point when the repair on a child’s hair is to find a nearby pair of scissors. Multiple this rate by ten if you find that a blowtorch is required.

 

---

I get it, the world is anxious and nervous. We have bills, we need to go to the ER, we have to make a wedding seating chart that keeps Uncle Billy away from Ex-Aunt Delilah. 

 

Kids worry too and they have habits to self-soothe. Our son has been inspired by his research of Eurasian beavers so he has decided to gnaw the collars off of all of his shirts. Then there is the baby of the family who perpetually twists her hair until it either would unravel and cause a tsunami on the Eastern seaboard or it is knotted to the point where we need a welder to get her finger out of her head. 

 

One compromise is the almight comb. The various plastic devices that have teeth and psuedo-fists as handles. However, she is improvising these days and has decided that everything is a comb. 

 

Yes, everything.

 

I have seen shoes, cellphones, shards of cardboard boxes, DVD cases, toothbrushes, toothpaste, books, envelopes, tax returns, and the occassional fork. If she can reach it, it will be appointed comb of the day and that helps her be calm and collected. 

 

When we get our haircuts, we have to concede that it is a form of massage. We relax, we doze off, we tell our darkest secret to our hair stylest and our barbers. They comb, they work out knots, they refresh our souls. 

 

A two year-old needs the same feeling, and in our case, she has elected to twirl and comb her hair, twisting her way to peace and prosperity. 

 

We have occasionally tried to counter the spiraling madness. Braids have helped, robbing her of her ability to turn herself into a triceratoptic three-foot tall bull that can impale anyone within range. At the zoo, I heard a rhinoceros say “Man, she looks cool, and she has gel in her horn too!” 

 

The fishing pole that projects from her hair can be endearing, honoring the likes of Alfalfa, lanternfish, and anyone who hit their head so hard, they developed a knot on their head that protruded six inches from their forehead (in that case, please head to the ER immediately). 

 

I imagine in time, she will find other ways to sooth herself. It is a necessary skill in this world, we chew on clothing, bite our nails, tap our feet, pace, shake like a leaf, and yes, comb our hair until we are bald.

 

It is all to find that calm, to walk the line between alertness and sleep, to take in the stresses of the world in a way that our heart stays strong. Even if, sometimes, we look in the mirror and see a unicorn with hair conditioner on.

 

- Doug Glanville